When All Feels Lost: Grieving the Death of Your Spouse

The loss of a spouse is absolutely devastating and requires one of the biggest life adjustments you’ll ever have to make. Many therapists agree that this great loss and new identity can take at least three years to adjust to, and often much longer.

Losing a spouse is like losing half of yourself. When you get married — two become one — and when you lose that person, you are left with a huge void. This can be a traumatic event for many, especially the circumstances surrounding the death.

You are accustomed to someone’s continued presence, from morning coffee, to weekend getaways, and greeting them when they come home. You shared your daily life with your spouse. For quite a few people, your spouse is also your best friend. The person you can tell everything to, the one who understands you the most — from the best of you to the worst of you and everything in between. You have countless memories ranging from big events like the birth of a child to smaller, intimate ones like the way they caressed your face when they kissed you. 

Suddenly, they’re missing. It’s all missing. Everything that you’ve known for 5, 10, 20… 50 years or more is gone. The future dreams you had planned with them — all over. This leaves you feeling more emotions than you knew even existed. Crying until you’ve run out of tears as you sleep in the bed you once shared, and now one side is empty. 

You may be thinking about the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” surrounding their death and may even feel guilt around it. That’s perfectly natural and part of the grief process. Same with wanting to stay in bed all day long, having difficulty sleeping, a change in diet, isolation, depression, anxiety — and plenty more.
Because your spouse was a daily presence, you may find yourself preoccupied with thoughts and dreams of them. You may look for him or her in a crowd, or be sure that you just saw your spouse out of the corner of your eye. Some people keep re-experiencing the circumstances or events around their partner’s death. Others find themselves sticking to old routines: setting the table for two, reading something and turning to tell their spouse about it, picking up the phone to call him or her. All of this is natural and expected. 

On the other hand, some may do these things such as calling them just to hear their voice on the answering machine. Or sending a text, knowing there will not be a response. Talking to them even though they are no longer there. While this may make you feel a bit crazy, the root to this is the intense desire to feel as close as possible to them. Yet, at the end of the day, you find yourself trying to sleep in the bed you once shared and now one side is empty. 

One of the Biggest Challenges is Losing a Spouse is Loneliness

Because your spouse or partner was such a major part of your daily life, their loss is usually felt more immediately and for a longer length of time. Regardless of the tenure of your marriage or relationship, this is the person you made long-term plans with and chose to spend your life with. You valued their unique qualities, their humor or charm, their intellect, kindness or strength, and no one will ever take his or her place. As acute as your loss feels now, being alone doesn’t mean a lifetime of loneliness. It may be tempting to isolate yourself at this time, but reaching out to others for support is critical. You may be able to find a window’s group in your area. These groups can provide additional support and help you not feel alone as you navigate this new chapter of your life. Of course, therapy is a great option to have someone private to disclose all of your thoughts and feelings to. You can even find a therapist that does telehealth online if you still do not feel like leaving your house.

Finances Can be Another Challenge

If your spouse managed the finances and you’re unsure of where you stand, don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. In most households, one spouse — husband or wife — handles the day-to-day finances and there seems to be no reason to discuss the details. But when the death of a spouse comes suddenly and unexpectedly, the surviving partner is often left unprepared. 

Unfortunately, financial matters are often a challenge immediately after the death of a spouse, at a time when you feel least able to manage them. In addition to regular bills and credit cards, you may have hospice, funeral, and burial costs and more. You may have to sell the home you lived in with them which can cause additional trauma. Your spouse may not have had a will which leaves you with even more on your plate — all of which can feel overwhelming. Enlist a trusted family member, friend, or financial advisor to help you make sound decisions and stay on top of any financial obligations or decisions that need to be made. 

Additional Considerations for Seniors Now Widowed
The death of a spouse, and your resulting financial situation, may necessitate a change in your living situation. That type of decision is best pushed off for 6–12 months if at all possible; no major decisions should be made during the initial stages of grief. But for some seniors, the loss of a spouse can lead to the end of independent living. If your physical limitations meant you were dependent on your spouse’s support, this sudden shift from independence provides yet another reason to grieve. If you find yourself dealing with this situation, seek out others who have gone through a similar experience. If you are moving to an assisted living community, there are many peers and professionals who can help you through this period of adjustment.

There is HOPE: You Will Eventually Redefine Yourself and Your Life

You have gone from being a wife or husband to a widow or widower. These words feel harsh and confining, and it’s difficult but critical to ensure that the new title doesn’t define you. As time passes, you will regain your energy and your hope for the future, as distant or unreachable as that may feel right now.
When you’re coping with grief, it is both important and difficult to take care of yourself. Your loss may take away your energy, your appetite, and your emotional reserves. 

Another critical factor in healing from the loss of a spouse is the support of other people. Having your family, friends, grief counselor, and a community of others who have also experienced grief allows you to feel that someone else “gets it.” Being able to share your story or your feelings is vital to the healing process.

If you are local to Georgia or Indiana and would like to schedule an appointment with me to start your journey to healing from tragic loss in your life, please contact me to schedule an appointment.

IMPORTANT: If you are experiencing suicidal ideation (formation of thoughts, ideas, concepts about ending your life), immediately call 800-273-8255 and speak to someone at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. They are available 24/7 and it’s free and confidential support for people in distress.