Anger Management for Parents: How to Deal With Mom Rage

Dealing with mom rage can feel difficult, but you can find ways to calm down. When you learn what exactly is triggering you or getting under your skin, you’ll be able to recover. Coping with mom rage starts with recognizing your frustrations and making the effort to take a deep breath, walk away, and de-escalate the situation.

 What Is Mom Rage? 
Mom rage, also known as maternal rage or maternal anger, describes a mother’s experience of overwhelming fits of anger that may arise in an instant and interrupt normal daily life. Motherhood is often idealized as an idyllic state in which moms are able to succeed in being infinitely patient with their children and always kind and loving to their families. Trying to live up to unrealistic expectations can contribute to bouts of motherhood rage.

Mom rage can leave a woman feeling that she is losing control as her anger rises up and she lashes out. Maternal anger issues may be exacerbated by both external circumstances and by a mom’s internal state. Motherhood rage can be frightening for a mom, as the anger associated with it can be extremely intense and leave her with feelings of guilt after an episode passes.

Who Experiences Mom Rage?
Any parent can experience bouts of mom rage or parental rage. Even moms who are typically low key or easy going may find themselves experiencing feelings of rage in tense situations with their children. While mom rage is a relatively new term, it is not a new phenomenon. Women have been historically encouraged to deny, or at least refrain from expressing, feelings of anger, so when a parent experiences explosive anger, it can take them off guard. However, recognizing that mom rage is relatively normal can be helpful—as can learning ways to manage it. 

Mom Rage Vs. Normal Anger
Mom rage differs from “normal” types of anger in that it feels as if the anger has severely crossed a line. The onset and explosion of anger feels uncontrollable. Carolyn Wagner, therapist and founder of The Calm Mama Method, describes it as “Anger that is so intense it feels like it shouldn’t even be called just ‘anger.’ The kind that sneaks up on you and before you know it, you are exploding.”

How Does Mom Rage Feel?
Mom rage can feel scary due to its unexpected arrival and the intensity with which it is felt. Mom rage symptoms include feeling overcome with anger or frustration, lashing out verbally or physically, feeling out of control of your emotions, and experiencing a sense of being about to snap. This experience usually reflects the feelings of a frustrated mother who has reached her limit of patience or control.

Anger Outbursts
The most significant marker of maternal rage is unpredictable anger outbursts. A mom may suddenly lose her cool and express her anger outwardly. Some mothers will yell at their kids, or physically lash out by slamming cabinets, throwing toys, or hitting pillows. In some cases, maternal frustration may lead a mother to spank or swat her child or physically put the child in their crib, room, or timeout.

The outburst may seemingly come from nowhere, but it reflects the feelings of overwhelm or anger that is just under the surface. Moms may expend effort trying to live up to their own expectations regarding motherhood, but mom rage can erupt in an anger outburst that is totally uncharacteristic of that mom.

Constantly Feeling Triggered
When a mother is “on duty,” it’s a full-time job and the feeling that you are fully responsible for another’s welfare can be overwhelming. When a mom is carrying this level of responsibility, little annoyances can seem like major obstacles. In fact, mom rage outbursts can be triggered by the smallest of things, but still take a mom’s anger from 0 to 60 in an instant.

Any little thing can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. A crying baby, a mess made by a toddler, a child that can’t find their homework, or a car that needs to be gassed up are examples of triggers that may evoke a bout of mom rage. Few of the triggers can even be prevented, which makes the feeling of constantly being triggered so strong.

Guilt & Shame
Anger outbursts can be surprising to normally calm and collected mothers, but the very nature of mom rage leads women to feel guilt and shame after an outburst. Cultural depictions of mothers suggest that they are always there to comfort their children and provide a safe space when their child is suffering. When a mother’s frustration levels trigger an anger outburst, her feelings of guilt over failing others can be significant.

Mothers may also feel shame if others have witnessed their outbursts, including shame if their children were present. Guilt is an inward emotion that is felt when we feel we have let ourselves down. Shame is more outwardly focused and it reflects the feeling that we have let others down. Mom rage packs a double punch in that mothers experience both.

Where Does Mom Rage Come From?
There are a variety of factors that contribute to mom rage, including unpaid emotional labor, financial strain, body image, stressors related to becoming or being a mom, and more. Mom rage symptoms can also stem from postpartum hormonal changes (i.e., postpartum rage). Learning how to stop being an angry mom starts by identifying what is causing you to feel overwhelmed.

Possible causes of mom rage symptoms include:Feeling Overwhelmed
Mothers are looking after not only their own needs, but their children’s as well. Being responsible for a family can be overwhelming. Children’s behavior can be unpredictable, routines may be derailed by external events, and life doesn’t always go as planned. If a mother feels that it’s her job to overcome all of these unexpected challenges, she may easily feel frustrated by the lack of control she has and overwhelmed by her perceived responsibilities.

Lack of Support
Caretaking of children is a huge task and when a mother doesn’t feel supported in her tasks, resentment at her partner or other family members may grow. Some mothers may feel that they do not have the right to ask for assistance as they don’t want to burden others or they may feel too proud to ask for help because they have been taught that mothers should be able to handle it all themselves. Without a sense of support, mothers may experience deep frustrations and overwhelm which can generate bouts of mom rage.

Grief & Loss
While motherhood is idealized as the beginning of a beautiful new chapter in life, mothers may also be deeply grieving the lives they are leaving behind. If a woman has built a career that fulfilled her and provided a strong sense of identity, she may grieve that part of her identity as she moves into the role of mother. Losses in social support networks may occur, as well. Identities shift and needs change, but when a mother feels that she has lost parts of herself that she may not ever reclaim, she may experience frustration and anger at the new claims on her time. Recognizing that motherhood brings joy as well as grief can allow a mother to begin to come to terms with the losses.

Gender-Related Inequalities
In households where there is a stark gender-based division of labor, mothers must carry the lion’s share of childcare responsibilities, which can be much more overwhelming than a full-time job outside the home might be. By having to always be the “hands on” parent, mothers may grow resentful of the easier time that their partners have with the children. A mother who feels that they are dedicating more time and energy towards what should be a mutual task, may experience frustration with their partner, but express it through an outburst of maternal rage.

Mental Health Conditions
Mom rage is often recognized as a symptom of postpartum depression and anxiety, but it can extend beyond the postpartum period. It can also be a symptom of stay-at-home mom depression, due to the role mothers may find themselves in for years with multiple kids.

There are other mental health disorders that may be involved in mom rage. Postpartum psychosis is a severe disorder that alters a mother’s sense of reality. Behavioral changes, such as unpredictable attacks of rage, are a symptom that is shared with the more common mom rage. Another disorder that should be ruled out is intermittent explosive disorder (IED). This disorder shares some of the same symptoms of mom rage, including feelings of rage, irritability, and tension.

When significant behavioral changes or concerning thoughts, such as the desire to harm self or others (including one’s children) appear, it is important to assess for a more serious condition.

Life Stressors
While life stressors are experienced regardless of the stage of life you are in, motherhood brings new layers of stress due to the consideration that must be given to the needs of the children. For many first-time mothers, the transition to motherhood can be a difficult one to manage, and the stressors that come with it can be more than a mother can easily manage.

Help For Parents
Parenting is stressful and challenging! Get support. I offer individual, couples, and family counseling services. Therapy can provide tools to assist you with managing your big feelings and will help you feel grounded. Taking care of YOU matters. If you are not allowing yourself time for self-care, you will not have the strength and energy levels to care for others in your life.

How Does Mom Rage Affect Children & Partners?
Mom rage can lead to unhealthy experiences for children and parents as it can result in feelings of guilt, resentment, anxiety, and depression in those affected. If you asked any parent if they were eager to yell at their child or hurt their child in anger, they would say no.  When we ignore mom rage, it disrupts the bond between mother and child. The ability to trust and rely on one another begins to diminish.

The entire family system can be affected by a parent with explosive anger. Partners are often unsure of how to support or comfort, so they may also be wary of comforting their child over their partner when both are upset.

Impacts on Children
Being around someone who is acting out their frustration or rage can be scary no matter what your age. However, children may be especially sensitive to a mom’s anger. Some children may ask themselves questions like, “Why is my mom always mad at me?” or “Am I a bad child because my mom yells at me for the littlest things?” This may compromise their sense of self-worth and this may lead to poor social skills and even compromised physical well-being.

Growing up with an angry mother can be challenging for children, and some might model their own adult behavior after their mothers. Other children may grow up highly conflict avoidant and fearful of disagreements with others. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ moods, so it can be important for a mom to affirm to her child that they haven’t done anything wrong as soon after an outburst as she can. Children are adaptable, but they need the support of their parents and affirmations of their value and their worthiness of love.

Impacts on Romantic Relationships
Unfortunately, mom rage can negatively affect romantic relationships, too. Anger is an emotion that leads to disconnection due to the negative emotions that anger can generate within the person experiencing it and those around her. When maternal rage is expressed, it can include denigration of a partner’s contributions to childrearing or blaming a partner for the rage that is felt. Although the rage outburst may be brief, words may be used that cause significant pain for a partner.

Partners should be open in their communications about maternal rage and avoid pretending that an outburst didn’t happen. It’s important for moms to help their partners understand the unpredictable nature of the rage and also to discuss ways that they can work together to address identifiable triggers that could possibly be prevented. Communication about even difficult topics like mom rage is essential to enduring relationships.

12 Tips For Dealing With Mom Rage
The unexpected nature of mom rage may lead mothers to ask themselves, “Why am I such an angry mom?” It’s important to recognize that it’s a common phenomenon and that there are effective ways to cope with these feelings of intense frustration and rage.1 Acknowledging that you need help to deal with your mom rage is the first step to regaining a sense of control.

Below are 12 tips if you’re dealing with mom rage:
1. Pause & Take a Deep Breath
It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and become overwhelmed with rage and frustration. Before you can move onto doing or focusing on anything else, take a moment to just breathe. Give it a try right now. Even if you’re calm, get used to taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.

2. Take a Break & Walk Away
This can be literally or figuratively. There are some situations where walking away isn’t an option. But if you can, take a moment to give yourself (and your child) some space and come back later when you’re a bit more level headed.

It may even be helpful to announce and suggest this to those around you. Say something like, “I’m getting really frustrated right now. How about we give this conversation a break?” Keep in mind that your children need to see you model healthy coping skills, and this also shows them that it is okay to walk away when needed.

3. Remember, You Don’t Have to Be Right
The parent-child relationship is complicated. There are many schools of thought on how your relationship with your child should be. At the end of the day, you don’t always have to be right. Focusing on trying to prove your point or convince the other party to see things your way can overshadow the message entirely.

4. List the Things That Are In & Out of Your Control
Make a side-by-side list. Write down the things that you can and cannot control. For example, consider your breath, your tone, and your body language versus  your child’s feelings or opinion, or timing of the event. When you’re able to take a step back and focus on the things that are in your control, you can start to put your energy into those to improve the situation.

5. Start & End Your Day With Time For Yourself
Taking even a few minutes in the morning and evening for yourself can make a difference, especially if your rage stems from burnout. Think of it like you’re creating “bookends” of self-care. This can be as simple as taking a deep breath or making a list of five things you’re grateful for. If you have more time, engage in meditation for anger or stretching.

Anything that gives you time to yourself without interruption will help you feel grounded and able to manage your big feelings. It doesn’t have to be the very first and last thing that you do, but it’s the conscious effort to take care of yourself that matters.

Ask For Help
​Asking for help is one of the biggest pain points for many people, but it’s an incredibly important part of being human. There is a pre-existing belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Think about things that you can start taking off your plate. This might be household or childcare responsibilities or asking for some quiet time to yourself.

It takes practice from both parties, you (the one asking for help) and the helper. You have to be open to letting go of control while also building your trust in others to rely on them. It becomes easier and more rewarding when you’re able to get support from others. This help may come from immediate family, a laundry service, grocery delivery, or even a house cleaner. Regardless, it’s important to understand your limits. 

Contact me to set up a time to get your life back.


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