Parenting is a voyage of love and learning, and when it involves a child with special needs, this journey takes on an added dimension of care, advocacy, and strength. As a therapist with expertise in supporting families with special needs children, I recognize the unique challenges and triumphs you may encounter. This blog post is dedicated to the incredible parents navigating this special parenting path, offering insights and support to help you and your child thrive.
Understanding the Landscape: Parenting a child with special needs encompasses a spectrum of conditions, including developmental delays, medical challenges, and learning disabilities, each with its own set of intricacies. Acknowledging and understanding your child's unique needs is the first step in this lifelong adventure. The Impact on Families: Having a child with special needs can affect family dynamics, personal relationships, and emotional well-being. It's natural to experience a range of emotions, from denial and frustration to acceptance and pride. Embracing these feelings is part of the process of becoming the advocate your child needs. Strategies for Thriving as a Parent: Educate Yourself:
Parenting a child with special needs is a path marked by challenges, but it is also a path illuminated by profound joy and growth. It is a unique experience that can deepen your capacity for love, patience, and resilience. Remember, you're not alone on this journey. There are resources, communities, and professionals ready to support you every step of the way. If you're looking for support as you navigate the joys and challenges of parenting a special needs child, I’m here to help. Contact me today to learn how therapy can empower your family as you embrace this remarkable journey together.
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Infidelity is a profound breach of trust that can deeply wound the partners in a committed relationship. It is a tumultuous experience that brings a myriad of emotions, challenges, and decisions. As a therapist specializing in relationship counseling, I understand the intricate layers of pain and confusion that infidelity introduces into a partnership. This blog post aims to explore the impact of infidelity on relationships and provide guidance on the healing process for both individuals and couples.
Understanding Infidelity: Infidelity goes beyond a mere physical act; it is an emotional turbulence that can shake the very foundation of a relationship. It's essential to understand that infidelity can manifest in various forms, from physical affairs to emotional connections and online interactions. Each type carries its unique hurt and betrayal, requiring a tailored approach to healing. The Impact of Infidelity: The revelation of an affair can lead to a roller coaster of emotions, including shock, anger, sadness, and even numbness. These feelings are valid and expected. Infidelity can also lead to a decrease in self-esteem and an increase in anxiety or depression. It's crucial to address these emotions head-on, as they are part of the natural healing process. Acknowledge Your Feelings:
If infidelity has impacted your relationship and you're seeking support, please contact me today to schedule a consultation. Let's work together to find a path that leads to healing and renewed hope. Dealing with mom rage can feel difficult, but you can find ways to calm down. When you learn what exactly is triggering you or getting under your skin, you’ll be able to recover. Coping with mom rage starts with recognizing your frustrations and making the effort to take a deep breath, walk away, and de-escalate the situation.
What Is Mom Rage? Mom rage, also known as maternal rage or maternal anger, describes a mother’s experience of overwhelming fits of anger that may arise in an instant and interrupt normal daily life. Motherhood is often idealized as an idyllic state in which moms are able to succeed in being infinitely patient with their children and always kind and loving to their families. Trying to live up to unrealistic expectations can contribute to bouts of motherhood rage. Mom rage can leave a woman feeling that she is losing control as her anger rises up and she lashes out. Maternal anger issues may be exacerbated by both external circumstances and by a mom’s internal state. Motherhood rage can be frightening for a mom, as the anger associated with it can be extremely intense and leave her with feelings of guilt after an episode passes. Who Experiences Mom Rage? Any parent can experience bouts of mom rage or parental rage. Even moms who are typically low key or easy going may find themselves experiencing feelings of rage in tense situations with their children. While mom rage is a relatively new term, it is not a new phenomenon. Women have been historically encouraged to deny, or at least refrain from expressing, feelings of anger, so when a parent experiences explosive anger, it can take them off guard. However, recognizing that mom rage is relatively normal can be helpful—as can learning ways to manage it. Mom Rage Vs. Normal Anger Mom rage differs from “normal” types of anger in that it feels as if the anger has severely crossed a line. The onset and explosion of anger feels uncontrollable. Carolyn Wagner, therapist and founder of The Calm Mama Method, describes it as “Anger that is so intense it feels like it shouldn’t even be called just ‘anger.’ The kind that sneaks up on you and before you know it, you are exploding.” How Does Mom Rage Feel? Mom rage can feel scary due to its unexpected arrival and the intensity with which it is felt. Mom rage symptoms include feeling overcome with anger or frustration, lashing out verbally or physically, feeling out of control of your emotions, and experiencing a sense of being about to snap. This experience usually reflects the feelings of a frustrated mother who has reached her limit of patience or control. Anger Outbursts The most significant marker of maternal rage is unpredictable anger outbursts. A mom may suddenly lose her cool and express her anger outwardly. Some mothers will yell at their kids, or physically lash out by slamming cabinets, throwing toys, or hitting pillows. In some cases, maternal frustration may lead a mother to spank or swat her child or physically put the child in their crib, room, or timeout. The outburst may seemingly come from nowhere, but it reflects the feelings of overwhelm or anger that is just under the surface. Moms may expend effort trying to live up to their own expectations regarding motherhood, but mom rage can erupt in an anger outburst that is totally uncharacteristic of that mom. Constantly Feeling Triggered When a mother is “on duty,” it’s a full-time job and the feeling that you are fully responsible for another’s welfare can be overwhelming. When a mom is carrying this level of responsibility, little annoyances can seem like major obstacles. In fact, mom rage outbursts can be triggered by the smallest of things, but still take a mom’s anger from 0 to 60 in an instant. Any little thing can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. A crying baby, a mess made by a toddler, a child that can’t find their homework, or a car that needs to be gassed up are examples of triggers that may evoke a bout of mom rage. Few of the triggers can even be prevented, which makes the feeling of constantly being triggered so strong. Guilt & Shame Anger outbursts can be surprising to normally calm and collected mothers, but the very nature of mom rage leads women to feel guilt and shame after an outburst. Cultural depictions of mothers suggest that they are always there to comfort their children and provide a safe space when their child is suffering. When a mother’s frustration levels trigger an anger outburst, her feelings of guilt over failing others can be significant. Mothers may also feel shame if others have witnessed their outbursts, including shame if their children were present. Guilt is an inward emotion that is felt when we feel we have let ourselves down. Shame is more outwardly focused and it reflects the feeling that we have let others down. Mom rage packs a double punch in that mothers experience both. Where Does Mom Rage Come From? There are a variety of factors that contribute to mom rage, including unpaid emotional labor, financial strain, body image, stressors related to becoming or being a mom, and more. Mom rage symptoms can also stem from postpartum hormonal changes (i.e., postpartum rage). Learning how to stop being an angry mom starts by identifying what is causing you to feel overwhelmed. Possible causes of mom rage symptoms include:Feeling Overwhelmed Mothers are looking after not only their own needs, but their children’s as well. Being responsible for a family can be overwhelming. Children’s behavior can be unpredictable, routines may be derailed by external events, and life doesn’t always go as planned. If a mother feels that it’s her job to overcome all of these unexpected challenges, she may easily feel frustrated by the lack of control she has and overwhelmed by her perceived responsibilities. Lack of Support Caretaking of children is a huge task and when a mother doesn’t feel supported in her tasks, resentment at her partner or other family members may grow. Some mothers may feel that they do not have the right to ask for assistance as they don’t want to burden others or they may feel too proud to ask for help because they have been taught that mothers should be able to handle it all themselves. Without a sense of support, mothers may experience deep frustrations and overwhelm which can generate bouts of mom rage. Grief & Loss While motherhood is idealized as the beginning of a beautiful new chapter in life, mothers may also be deeply grieving the lives they are leaving behind. If a woman has built a career that fulfilled her and provided a strong sense of identity, she may grieve that part of her identity as she moves into the role of mother. Losses in social support networks may occur, as well. Identities shift and needs change, but when a mother feels that she has lost parts of herself that she may not ever reclaim, she may experience frustration and anger at the new claims on her time. Recognizing that motherhood brings joy as well as grief can allow a mother to begin to come to terms with the losses. Gender-Related Inequalities In households where there is a stark gender-based division of labor, mothers must carry the lion’s share of childcare responsibilities, which can be much more overwhelming than a full-time job outside the home might be. By having to always be the “hands on” parent, mothers may grow resentful of the easier time that their partners have with the children. A mother who feels that they are dedicating more time and energy towards what should be a mutual task, may experience frustration with their partner, but express it through an outburst of maternal rage. Mental Health Conditions Mom rage is often recognized as a symptom of postpartum depression and anxiety, but it can extend beyond the postpartum period. It can also be a symptom of stay-at-home mom depression, due to the role mothers may find themselves in for years with multiple kids. There are other mental health disorders that may be involved in mom rage. Postpartum psychosis is a severe disorder that alters a mother’s sense of reality. Behavioral changes, such as unpredictable attacks of rage, are a symptom that is shared with the more common mom rage. Another disorder that should be ruled out is intermittent explosive disorder (IED). This disorder shares some of the same symptoms of mom rage, including feelings of rage, irritability, and tension. When significant behavioral changes or concerning thoughts, such as the desire to harm self or others (including one’s children) appear, it is important to assess for a more serious condition. Life Stressors While life stressors are experienced regardless of the stage of life you are in, motherhood brings new layers of stress due to the consideration that must be given to the needs of the children. For many first-time mothers, the transition to motherhood can be a difficult one to manage, and the stressors that come with it can be more than a mother can easily manage. Help For Parents Parenting is stressful and challenging! Get support. I offer individual, couples, and family counseling services. Therapy can provide tools to assist you with managing your big feelings and will help you feel grounded. Taking care of YOU matters. If you are not allowing yourself time for self-care, you will not have the strength and energy levels to care for others in your life. How Does Mom Rage Affect Children & Partners? Mom rage can lead to unhealthy experiences for children and parents as it can result in feelings of guilt, resentment, anxiety, and depression in those affected. If you asked any parent if they were eager to yell at their child or hurt their child in anger, they would say no. When we ignore mom rage, it disrupts the bond between mother and child. The ability to trust and rely on one another begins to diminish. The entire family system can be affected by a parent with explosive anger. Partners are often unsure of how to support or comfort, so they may also be wary of comforting their child over their partner when both are upset. Impacts on Children Being around someone who is acting out their frustration or rage can be scary no matter what your age. However, children may be especially sensitive to a mom’s anger. Some children may ask themselves questions like, “Why is my mom always mad at me?” or “Am I a bad child because my mom yells at me for the littlest things?” This may compromise their sense of self-worth and this may lead to poor social skills and even compromised physical well-being. Growing up with an angry mother can be challenging for children, and some might model their own adult behavior after their mothers. Other children may grow up highly conflict avoidant and fearful of disagreements with others. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ moods, so it can be important for a mom to affirm to her child that they haven’t done anything wrong as soon after an outburst as she can. Children are adaptable, but they need the support of their parents and affirmations of their value and their worthiness of love. Impacts on Romantic Relationships Unfortunately, mom rage can negatively affect romantic relationships, too. Anger is an emotion that leads to disconnection due to the negative emotions that anger can generate within the person experiencing it and those around her. When maternal rage is expressed, it can include denigration of a partner’s contributions to childrearing or blaming a partner for the rage that is felt. Although the rage outburst may be brief, words may be used that cause significant pain for a partner. Partners should be open in their communications about maternal rage and avoid pretending that an outburst didn’t happen. It’s important for moms to help their partners understand the unpredictable nature of the rage and also to discuss ways that they can work together to address identifiable triggers that could possibly be prevented. Communication about even difficult topics like mom rage is essential to enduring relationships. 12 Tips For Dealing With Mom Rage The unexpected nature of mom rage may lead mothers to ask themselves, “Why am I such an angry mom?” It’s important to recognize that it’s a common phenomenon and that there are effective ways to cope with these feelings of intense frustration and rage.1 Acknowledging that you need help to deal with your mom rage is the first step to regaining a sense of control. Below are 12 tips if you’re dealing with mom rage: 1. Pause & Take a Deep Breath It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and become overwhelmed with rage and frustration. Before you can move onto doing or focusing on anything else, take a moment to just breathe. Give it a try right now. Even if you’re calm, get used to taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. 2. Take a Break & Walk Away This can be literally or figuratively. There are some situations where walking away isn’t an option. But if you can, take a moment to give yourself (and your child) some space and come back later when you’re a bit more level headed. It may even be helpful to announce and suggest this to those around you. Say something like, “I’m getting really frustrated right now. How about we give this conversation a break?” Keep in mind that your children need to see you model healthy coping skills, and this also shows them that it is okay to walk away when needed. 3. Remember, You Don’t Have to Be Right The parent-child relationship is complicated. There are many schools of thought on how your relationship with your child should be. At the end of the day, you don’t always have to be right. Focusing on trying to prove your point or convince the other party to see things your way can overshadow the message entirely. 4. List the Things That Are In & Out of Your Control Make a side-by-side list. Write down the things that you can and cannot control. For example, consider your breath, your tone, and your body language versus your child’s feelings or opinion, or timing of the event. When you’re able to take a step back and focus on the things that are in your control, you can start to put your energy into those to improve the situation. 5. Start & End Your Day With Time For Yourself Taking even a few minutes in the morning and evening for yourself can make a difference, especially if your rage stems from burnout. Think of it like you’re creating “bookends” of self-care. This can be as simple as taking a deep breath or making a list of five things you’re grateful for. If you have more time, engage in meditation for anger or stretching. Anything that gives you time to yourself without interruption will help you feel grounded and able to manage your big feelings. It doesn’t have to be the very first and last thing that you do, but it’s the conscious effort to take care of yourself that matters. Ask For Help Asking for help is one of the biggest pain points for many people, but it’s an incredibly important part of being human. There is a pre-existing belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Think about things that you can start taking off your plate. This might be household or childcare responsibilities or asking for some quiet time to yourself. It takes practice from both parties, you (the one asking for help) and the helper. You have to be open to letting go of control while also building your trust in others to rely on them. It becomes easier and more rewarding when you’re able to get support from others. This help may come from immediate family, a laundry service, grocery delivery, or even a house cleaner. Regardless, it’s important to understand your limits. Contact me to set up a time to get your life back. Just like stop signs and red lights on the road, red flags are a sign to pump the brakes and assess the situation at hand. They can pop up in any kind of relationship, whether it's relatively new, strictly casual, or something more long-term. The tricky part: When you're swept up in love or lust, red flags can be easy to miss — or even ignore. While there are some common red flags (think: jealousy, clinginess, and mismatched relationship goals), others may vary from person to person. But at what point is a red flag a deal-breaker? A deal-breaker is something that will immediately cause the relationship to end (for example, one partner wants to have children and the other doesn't), whereas red flags can sometimes — key word: sometimes — be resolved through communication. The longer you let a red flag go on without discussing it with your partner, the more attached the other person might become. Even more important, the harder it might be to address your concerns to them in the future. What Exactly is a Relationship Red Flag? A red flag is a behavior trait or value that shows you the future incompatibility with a person. This can be anything from someone having a history of infidelity to conflicting lifestyles and beyond. A red flag can also be a sign that the person you are involved with can't have a healthy relationship with you. If you were to pursue this relationship, it could be potentially psychologically, emotionally, and physically dangerous. A red flag is basically a reason to either stop the relationship altogether or back away a little bit because it's a clue or a hint of an underlying issue. Although most red flags can be easy to spot, people don’t always address them when they first appear — or even at all. And as soon as you have feelings, it’s really hard to turn away from a red flag, even though you’re like ‘I knew all along.’ But if red flags aren't addressed, they can become even more problematic since they don't go away on their own. It's an opportunity for you to assess the situation and see if it's a dealbreaker or if it's something that can be worked through. Either way, you have a choice to make. What to Do When You Notice a Red Flag Communicate, communicate, communicate. Communication is a big part of it, talking it out and even seeking professional help. Getting outside help is important. In terms of social support, connect with friends and family to get their thoughts on your current situation. The important thing is to really listen to them and not defend the person you are seeing. The people around you are able to see things you may not see. Or you may see the same things, but choose to blind yourself from the red flags. Relationship Red Flags to Look Out For Inconsistent Behavior One example is a partner that will text a lot and then go silent for a few days. That's inconsistent. If someone is interested in you and invested, they're going to show consistent behavior. The same goes for emotions, whether it's being very hot and cold or being very available or not available. Verbal or Physical Abuse Any form of violence or dangerous behavior is an immediate red flag. They can't channel their emotions properly in a healthy way. Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but if things escalate to any form of abuse — verbal, physical, mental, and/or emotional —it's important to remove yourself immediately. Mismatched Relationship Goals Many people believe their partner will change their goals in the future — but that's not always the case. People show you who they are — and what they want — pretty early on. If they say they want something casual at the very start, they usually mean that. Excessive Jealousy Trust is at the heart of any healthy relationship. So, if your partner showcases extreme jealousy, it might be a sign that they don't trust you. Aside from that, jealousy can also stem from your partner's own insecurities, which might make you feel bad about yourself as well. On some occasions, extreme jealousy could also be a sign of their own infidelity; there will project it onto you. If there are any trust issues, you have to decide if that's something that you want to manage in your relationship. History of Infidelity If a person has a history of cheating on someone else or on you, you may spend most of your time in the relationship worrying that it'll happen to you (possibly, again). Infidelity can also take a toll on your mental health and self-confidence, causing you to think you're not good enough for your partner. Different Life Goals It’s important to find someone that shares similar goals to yours, especially if you're pursuing a long-term relationship. While, in many ways, it's a good thing if your partner challenges you, having conflicting life goals might leave you unhappy in the long run. Watch out for misaligned goals like marriage or where you want to live or whether you want to have children or financial differences. Substance Abuse If you have a partner who regularly uses substances in excess, then they may have an addiction. But while substance abuse can be a red flag, there are always situations where you can work through substance abuse issues. If your partner is willing to self-correct or get themselves into treatment, then there may be hope, but it’s on a case-by-case basis. It’s up to you to decide if it’s something you should stick around for, or if it’s something that wouldn’t be healthy for you in the long run. No Effect to Know Your Family and Friends Their distance from your loved ones might be an indicator that they don't value their own family or friends — both in the present moment and in the future. People who don't have any friends can become very clingy and co-dependent people to the person they are dating. The Relationship Moves Too Fast Sometimes, this may be mistaken for something positive, but you should question it if the other person is accelerating the relationship. It's possible that they don't have bad intentions, but it could also be a manipulation tactic, aka “love bombing.” These situations tend to turn abusive and toxic. They're using that quickness and intensity to get you on board and gain your trust. They may act and say that they love you more than anyone else they have ever met. They will be charming and you may feel swept off your feet, but once you’re married, another side will start to show. A toxic side. Controlling Behavior A controlling partner doesn't trust you or the decisions you make. Be aware if your partner starts to limit your social interactions, setting restrictions on who you're allowed to see and when. Keeping you away from your friends and loved ones can be a safety concern and a blatant form of manipulation. Being Secretive Honesty and trust are the hallmarks of any healthy relationship. That said, if your partner keeps secrets from you or often beats around the bush, it may be a sign that they don't trust you enough to share what's really going on. Or, they may have dark secrets that you should know about, but they keep hidden. While some lies might not come off as too big of a deal, you should be wary if you feel like your partner frequently lies to you or doesn’t tell you the full story. Gaslighting Healthy conflict is one thing, twisting the truth is another. Gaslighting can be used by your partner to make you feel bad about yourself and hinder your self-esteem. If they’re doing things that make you feel insecure, that’s usually a red flag. If you notice your partner gaslighting you, address them and seek help. When you do not take heed to red flags, it can be disastrous. It’s important to take care of your full self physically, mentally, and emotionally. Both couples counseling and individual counseling can help you learn the tools you need to get through hard times. Even during the best of times, the holidays can be exhausting and stressful. If you're facing the holidays after the death of a loved one, celebrating may be the furthest thing from your mind. In fact, you may wonder if you'll ever enjoy them again. However, by giving yourself permission to grieve, taking time for yourself and finding new ways to celebrate the holidays and the deceased, you can get through the holiday season.
The First Holiday After Loss Don't be surprised if you feel your grief more acutely during a holiday (no matter what holiday), even if holidays weren't a big deal for you and your loved one. Witnessing everyone else getting together with family for holidays can trigger feelings of loss that you may have done a good job of ignoring so far. But some emotions can't be suppressed for long. Don't force yourself to take part in holiday celebrations if you don't feel ready; there is nothing wrong with declining invitations to protect your mental health as long as you don't stay secluded forever. Christmas Christmas is one of the biggest holidays in the Western world and therefore difficult to escape from while mourning the loss of a loved one. It's particularly important during this time of the year to listen to your emotions; if being with other people seems weird or too stressful, politely decline invitations. Don't allow friends and family (who probably feel as if they're helping you) force you to attend holiday events if you know in your heart you can't handle it yet. On the other hand, don't automatically assume that Christmas is going to be awful without your loved one. Open your heart and allow yourself to enjoy the season, if it's a season that typically brings you joy. Hanukkah Since Hanukkah is centered around finding hope in desperate situations, participating in Hanukkah observance is completely appropriate for someone who is grieving. Those grieving during this time are typically encouraged to seek out help from those around them as part of Hanukkah tradition. Take advantage of the community around you during this time as they will likely be receptive - but if Hanukkah gatherings prove too emotionally painful to observe, or if you observe the traditional 12 months of mourning, participating may feel wrong. Holidays After the Loss of a Spouse For couples who have been together for decades, losing a spouse can be as heartbreaking as it is life-changing. They often lose their best friend and the person who they’ve made joint decisions with for a good portion of their lives. The Netflix revival of “The Gilmore Girls: A Year In the Life” addressed the shake-up that follows grief in the character of Emily Gilmore, a woman who lost her husband of 50 years just four months before the Christmas holiday. As the miniseries progressed, this side-plot followed the widowed Emily through arguments with her adult daughter, revising her husband’s headstone no less than four times, getting rid of half her belongings, battling depression, and ultimately, finding a new life after her husband’s death. The portrayal is a poignant one, given that in the U.S. alone, there are 13.5 million widowed persons and 11 million of them are women. And while many widows lose a spouse, they also tend to lose 75% of their support system — including family and friends — often through self-isolation. For widows who may have been grieving in solitude, the holidays can help them reconnect with their family and friends. Tips for Widows and Widowers During the Holiday Season: There is no absolute timeline for grief and moving on. Every person is different. Embrace holiday traditions to remember your spouse. Or create brand new ones if it may be too painful to resume “normal” family activities. Share stories about your spouse with family and friends. Yes, there is an empty place at the holiday table this year. But it was once occupied by a person who meant the world to you. The best way to honor his or her memory is to make sure younger generations of your family learn who they were. They may not be with you physically, but talking about them helps keep the memory of them alive. Holidays After the Loss of a Parent Whether you’re 18 or 48, the loss of a parent can make adult children feel lost and conflicted. You may be worried about your remaining parent and how he or she is coping with the loss of your spouse. You might throw yourself into projects to avoid facing your grief. And you may struggle with helping your own children deal with their feelings. If it’s your first Christmas after losing a loved one, that holiday without Mom or Dad after their death may heighten your holiday grief. But there are ways to connect to your family during the holidays and find solace — and even new meaning — after the death of a parent. Tips for Adult Children Coping with the Loss of a Parent During the Holidays: If your parents used to host family dinners at their house, now may be the time to step up and host them at your place. If you have a grieving parent who isn’t coping well, starting a new tradition with your house as “home base” for family holidays may be helpful for everyone. Enlist younger members of the family to help make the holiday dinner. This can bring multiple generations together in the kitchen and continue time-honored family traditions. It can also ease some of the burden on the adult child and their parent who may feel pressured to “put on a happy face” for the holidays and shoulder all of the responsibilities of holiday preparations. You may find yourself frustrated with your remaining parent, or even feeling sad yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and look to your own significant other, friends, or family for support and good cheer. Don’t ever feel guilty about enjoying the holidays, even when you’ve been faced with loss. Holidays After the Loss of a Grandparent Depending how young the littlest members of your family may be, they may not fully grasp the concept of death. While helping them understand why Grandma and Grandpa aren’t around anymore is a sensitive topic, children will certainly understand that their family members may be sad — even though it’s the holidays. Tips for Helping Children Deal with the Loss of a Grandparent During the Holidays: Give children the chance to talk about their feelings and what they remember and loved most about their grandparent. Younger members of the family may have vivid recollections of their grandparents and want to express themselves. The family may or may not want to go as a group to “visit” Grandma or Grandpa at the cemetery and pay their respects during the holidays. It’s really up to your discretion whether you feel it may be comforting or creepy for your child to come along with the rest of the family to the cemetery. You know your child or grandchild best and what he or she may take from the experience. They may actually be happy to be included with the rest of the family. Remember: Kids are still kids and it is the holiday season. Amid the bright holiday lights, new toys, they might not be grieving — nor should they be. While there is a time to remember loved ones, there is also a time to enjoy time with members of the family who are still here and make happy memories to last throughout their own lifetime. Coping with the loss of a loved one during the holidays can be difficult. However, the holidays bring family together and there can be a lot of comfort in that. Your family may have several wonderful traditions you may want to continue No Perfect Coping Mechanism There is no cookie-cutter, approved method in dealing with grief on holidays. The first year following a death is a particularly raw time and there is no clear-cut plan to follow. Listen to your feelings, allow yourself to feel your emotions, and if you find your grief overwhelming seek help from a mental health professional; it's not unheard of for some people to only visit therapists during specific holidays or anniversaries. Talking it out may help you cope. I am here to assist you with the tough times, not only in December, but other holidays that pass such as birthdays and anniversaries. Please contact me to schedule an appointment. I also host a widow’s group in Cumming, GA. It should not be a big surprise that everyone gets stressed in life. We all go through difficult times and try to juggle too many things at once. You may find yourself begging for a break inside your head, but force yourself to push harder since it seems like you can’t find a break. We can’t escape stress in life. Just know you are not alone.
Here are 10 tools to help you reduce stress in your life and help you advocate for your own self care. 1. Know your signs. How do you show stress? Some people get angry. Others find it hard to focus or make decisions. Some people feel worried or sad. Sometimes, stress can lead to headache, upset stomach, or trouble sleeping. Different people show different signs. Your signs of stress may be different from someone else’s. 2. Look at the causes. What situations make you stressed? Your stress may be linked to your family, health or work. Keep in mind that stress is often caused by a change in your life—whether the change is good or bad. Marriage, divorce, parenting, losing a job, or even getting a promotion can all result in stress. 3. Build good coping skills. Think about how you deal with situations that cause you stress. Smoking, drinking alcohol, or eating too much may feel good at the time. But they can cause more harm in the long run. 4. Know when to say "no." Know your limits. Don’t take on more than you can handle. It’s okay to say “no” to something and you may even be empowered once you do it. The best part? You are putting self care first and taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health. 5. Plan ahead. Don’t let your to-do list get out of control. Think about your day and decide which tasks are most important. Do those first. Let other tasks drop to the end of your day, or even off your list. Everything is not top priority even if it feels like it. 6. Create time to relax. It’s not always easy, but it’s important to make time for you. Take a weekend getaway. Make time to read a good book. Listen to music. Or do something you enjoy. Some people find that practicing deep breathing can also help reduce stress. 7. Be active. Exercise can help lower stress. It can be as simple as taking a quick walk, a bike ride, or a trip to the gym. Aim to get about two and a half hours of exercise a week. But ease into it. And talk to your doctor before starting a new exercise program. 8. Watch what you eat. Eating good foods can also be good for stress. Healthy foods will help keep you energized and focused. Also, cut back on caffeine. You’ll feel more relaxed and will likely sleep better. 9. Talk to family and friends. Sometimes, just talking with supportive people helps lower stress. That’s true even if the stressful situation doesn’t change. Also, spend less time with people who only add to your stress. 10. Get help if you need it. If your stress is too much to handle, talk to a mental health professional. Stress can lead to serious health issues. A counselor can provide support and additional tools to reduce stress in your life. If you are a resident in Georgia or Indiana, I provide counseling services in a safe and private setting to help bring healing to you on an individual level. Please contact me today to schedule an appointment. While some TV shows, films, books—and even some people’s Facebook profiles—would gladly have you believe otherwise, being truly satisfied with your life can be an immensely difficult thing to achieve. In turn, this makes meeting such a goal more pressure-filled than it should be. For this reason, many people resort to faking happiness to those around them. How can you tell if you’re doing the same thing? Here are 5 ways that may suggest you're not as happy as you pretend to be on the outside.
#1: Mood Swings Have Become Normal For You Do you easily switch between being joyful, lively, and excited to sadness, anger, or frustration? Experiencing mood swings doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re suffering from mental illness, such as bipolar disorder, but it may be helpful to notice whether this is a tendency for you. While being genuinely happy doesn’t mean you have to keep your mood up all the time (that's impossible anyway!), frequently going from one extreme to the other can be an indication that there are issues you may not be addressing properly. #2: You Are Tired All Of The Time It's normal to experience periods of stress when we feel more fatigued than usual. But if you’re tired all of the time, it can be a sign of a medical problem like diabetes or sleep apnea, psychological issues, or poor lifestyle choices. But things are far less clear-cut when speaking about mental health. For example, fatigue is a common symptom for those struggling with anxiety or depression. If you find yourself constantly insisting that you’re fine and cheerful but truly you're exhausted, it could be a sign of something more. #3: You Try Hard To Pretend Your Life is Great To Others When you act like you’re content with your life just to make those around you jealous, your "happiness" may be a façade. For example, if you spend more than half of your vacation taking and editing photos for your social media accounts instead of soaking in your new surroundings, you might be doing it primarily to show your peers how much "better" your life is than theirs. Or, to prove you are equally as happy as they showcase themselves to be. A recent study conducted at the University of Pittsburgh across 11 social media sites, including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube, discovered that heavy users of these sites are far more likely to be lonely and unhappy than lighter users. In fact, their chances increase by 3 times if they visit these networks more than 58 times per week. In the settings of most phones, you are able to see how much time you spend on your phone and how many times you log into certain apps. You may be very surprised! If your sole satisfaction in life comes from showing others how great life is and reading positive comments, you’re clearly missing the point. Promoting a false sense of superiority—or even equality—both online and offline is a clear indicator that you aren’t truly enjoying those seemingly “amazing” moments in your life. Also, remember that this is common, and the lives you see online also may be just a façade. #4: You Are Totally Isolated from Others It’s no secret that some individuals are more social than others. And there's nothing wrong with craving solo time. However, constantly making excuses to push people away can be a sign that you're faking your happiness and trying to avoid being called out on it. People in this situation usually lie to themselves and insist that they’re better off on their own. If you frequently find yourself going down this road and using this exact reasoning or variations on it, you might need to press the reset button and start over. That sounds hard, but it doesn’t have to be. Make an effort to make some new friends, or reconnect with those you've lost touch with. Studies even show that being socially isolated can damage our health in the long run. By challenging yourself to stay more connected to those around you, you can stop pretending to be happy, and start feeling genuinely satisfied instead. Putting yourself out there isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. #5: You're Abusing Alcohol or Other Substances Self-medicating behavioral patterns clearly indicate a deeper hidden issue. Coping with anxiety or other life issues through social drinking might imply the existence of a bigger problem. Sometimes, the people whom others see as the life of the party aren’t necessarily the happiest person in the room—in fact, they can be far from it. Research on this topic has uncovered that the onset of illicit drug use and alcohol consumption among teens is linked to a co-occurring mental illness and can even be a symptom of it. Therefore, if you’re prone to overdoing it during your Friday-night outings, you might not be truly enjoying yourself, but instead medicating a hidden hurt. Conclusion Faking happiness isn’t always a sign of mental illness, but it can be. The important thing is to evaluate your life and figure out exactly why you're pretending. Who are you doing it for? Is there a deeper issue behind it? On top of that, think about the 5 signs mentioned above. How many of them have you checked off, and to what extent? Coming up with viable answers to all of these questions is an important step in getting better. And if you feel like this is something you can’t handle yourself, don’t be afraid to reach out. The right person to help you can be anyone from a trusted friend or family member to a licensed therapist. I am here to help. A counseling theorist once said, “Problems never exist in a pure state; there is always a human being attached to them." My commitment as a counselor is not to some kind of particular problem/issue, but to the total human being who brings along complex emotional linkages to what they consider are distressing events encountered in their daily living. One of the major problems with online self-diagnosis is that it may prevent you from seeking actual help from a mental health professional. For example, someone may read a few web pages and diagnose themselves with an anxiety disorder. They read that Xanax is used to treat anxiety and panic attacks; therefore, Xanax can solve their problems. Some people will even come up with stories (ie: fear of flying) in order to “trick” their primary care doctors to prescribe it to them.
The fact is, many mental health conditions are not black and white. Only a professional knows what medication could safely help your unique case. Sometimes, medication is not needed at all and a therapist can assist you. The correct tool for mental illness is not always medication, but in certain circumstances, medication is advised. For a proper evaluation for medication, you will need to seek the expertise of a psychiatrist. Given the complexity in many diagnoses along with misinformation on the internet, someone can simply look up a few keywords and think they have a mental health diagnosis that may not be accurate. When someone clicks link after link about symptoms related to mental health it can quickly spiral into a vast array of either first-person experiences, or unreliable sources, which can lead to more confusion. It’s important to remember that what is on the internet is not always written by a credible mental health professional or even a doctor. Each person is unique in their diagnosis. You should not be diagnosing yourselves, or even worse, treating yourselves when you are not 100% sure what is actually going on. Mental health conditions need professional attention, whether it’s in the form of therapy, medication, or both. Also, you should never try to buy psychiatric medication on the street or online — the only safe way to get medication is through a pharmacy. You may even become overly frightened by what you read or, conversely, not seek help if you read something that says there is nothing to worry about. Googling Symptoms Can Create Hypochondriacs While hypochondriacs (people with health anxiety who often believe that they have something seriously wrong with them) are most likely to be Googling their symptoms, their mental health is probably most at risk when searching for symptoms and self-diagnosing. All this Googling can cause your thoughts to spiral into catastrophic thinking, worst case scenarios, and a vicious cycle of anxiety. Once you’re in the cycle, it can really be hard to stop. Even though you might originally find it soothing to look into your symptoms and find “answers,” it can backfire and make you more scared — maybe unnecessarily. Remember that many mental health and physical health conditions have overlapping symptoms. And as mentioned earlier, mental health conditions especially are not black and white. Reading about symptoms that are more general than specific can easily lead someone to believe they have a particular mental health condition. With the overwhelming amount of information available at our fingertips for someone who struggles with hypochondria or health anxiety to google something they are thinking or feeling physically or emotionally will likely overwhelm them with concerns about diagnoses they do not actually have while increasing their overall anxiety. So, if you think you might have a mental health condition based on your online research, make an appointment with your general practitioner or a mental health professional to be thoroughly assessed. How to Stop the Behavior While it’s hard to break the habit, and you might not even want to break the habit, it’s not healthy to continue. The longer you look for health answers online, the harder it’ll be to break the cycle later. Use a Distraction Another technique to keep you from self-diagnosing is distraction. When you feel like searching up symptoms on Google, distract yourself by doing something else — going for a run, calling up a friend, watching some funny videos, whatever will get you out of your head. Additionally, you may want to look at your behavior and dig a little deeper into your psyche. On a practical level, I would suggest asking yourself questions about what else you might be worried about. You may be manifesting that anxiety by Googling symptoms. Talk to a Professional If you’re having trouble limiting or stopping the behavior, you should strongly consider speaking with a mental health professional. Being able to openly discuss your concerns and fears with a therapist in a safe setting with reliable information can greatly decrease health anxiety and hypochondria symptoms. When these thoughts and feelings are spiraling around in your head it can be overwhelming, but when shared in a safe space with a therapist they can be sorted out together. You don’t have to feel ashamed if you’re prone to Googling symptoms and self-diagnosing. Many people do it. You aren’t alone. However, we must realize that although the situation is common, it’s not healthy. Diagnosing ourselves (and others) can be dangerous. If you think you might be suffering from a mental health condition, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional for a real diagnosis so you can get on the right path to feeling better immediately. Getting Help If you are a resident in Georgia or Indiana, I provide counseling services in a safe and private setting to help bring healing to you on an individual level. Please contact me today to schedule an appointment. The loss of a spouse is absolutely devastating and requires one of the biggest life adjustments you’ll ever have to make. Many therapists agree that this great loss and new identity can take at least three years to adjust to, and often much longer.
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AuthorDORICE NEIR Archives
September 2023
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