 Just like stop signs and red lights on the road, red flags are a sign to pump the brakes and assess the situation at hand. They can pop up in any kind of relationship, whether it's relatively new, strictly casual, or something more long-term.
The tricky part: When you're swept up in love or lust, red flags can be easy to miss — or even ignore. While there are some common red flags (think: jealousy, clinginess, and mismatched relationship goals), others may vary from person to person. But at what point is a red flag a deal-breaker? A deal-breaker is something that will immediately cause the relationship to end (for example, one partner wants to have children and the other doesn't), whereas red flags can sometimes — key word: sometimes — be resolved through communication. The longer you let a red flag go on without discussing it with your partner, the more attached the other person might become. Even more important, the harder it might be to address your concerns to them in the future. What Exactly is a Relationship Red Flag? A red flag is a behavior trait or value that shows you the future incompatibility with a person. This can be anything from someone having a history of infidelity to conflicting lifestyles and beyond. A red flag can also be a sign that the person you are involved with can't have a healthy relationship with you. If you were to pursue this relationship, it could be potentially psychologically, emotionally, and physically dangerous. A red flag is basically a reason to either stop the relationship altogether or back away a little bit because it's a clue or a hint of an underlying issue. Although most red flags can be easy to spot, people don’t always address them when they first appear — or even at all. And as soon as you have feelings, it’s really hard to turn away from a red flag, even though you’re like ‘I knew all along.’ But if red flags aren't addressed, they can become even more problematic since they don't go away on their own. It's an opportunity for you to assess the situation and see if it's a dealbreaker or if it's something that can be worked through. Either way, you have a choice to make. What to Do When You Notice a Red Flag Communicate, communicate, communicate. Communication is a big part of it, talking it out and even seeking professional help. Getting outside help is important. In terms of social support, connect with friends and family to get their thoughts on your current situation. The important thing is to really listen to them and not defend the person you are seeing. The people around you are able to see things you may not see. Or you may see the same things, but choose to blind yourself from the red flags. Relationship Red Flags to Look Out For Inconsistent Behavior One example is a partner that will text a lot and then go silent for a few days. That's inconsistent. If someone is interested in you and invested, they're going to show consistent behavior. The same goes for emotions, whether it's being very hot and cold or being very available or not available. Verbal or Physical Abuse Any form of violence or dangerous behavior is an immediate red flag. They can't channel their emotions properly in a healthy way. Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but if things escalate to any form of abuse — verbal, physical, mental, and/or emotional —it's important to remove yourself immediately. Mismatched Relationship Goals Many people believe their partner will change their goals in the future — but that's not always the case. People show you who they are — and what they want — pretty early on. If they say they want something casual at the very start, they usually mean that. Excessive Jealousy Trust is at the heart of any healthy relationship. So, if your partner showcases extreme jealousy, it might be a sign that they don't trust you. Aside from that, jealousy can also stem from your partner's own insecurities, which might make you feel bad about yourself as well. On some occasions, extreme jealousy could also be a sign of their own infidelity; there will project it onto you. If there are any trust issues, you have to decide if that's something that you want to manage in your relationship. History of Infidelity If a person has a history of cheating on someone else or on you, you may spend most of your time in the relationship worrying that it'll happen to you (possibly, again). Infidelity can also take a toll on your mental health and self-confidence, causing you to think you're not good enough for your partner. Different Life Goals It’s important to find someone that shares similar goals to yours, especially if you're pursuing a long-term relationship. While, in many ways, it's a good thing if your partner challenges you, having conflicting life goals might leave you unhappy in the long run. Watch out for misaligned goals like marriage or where you want to live or whether you want to have children or financial differences. Substance Abuse If you have a partner who regularly uses substances in excess, then they may have an addiction. But while substance abuse can be a red flag, there are always situations where you can work through substance abuse issues. If your partner is willing to self-correct or get themselves into treatment, then there may be hope, but it’s on a case-by-case basis. It’s up to you to decide if it’s something you should stick around for, or if it’s something that wouldn’t be healthy for you in the long run. No Effect to Know Your Family and Friends Their distance from your loved ones might be an indicator that they don't value their own family or friends — both in the present moment and in the future. People who don't have any friends can become very clingy and co-dependent people to the person they are dating. The Relationship Moves Too Fast Sometimes, this may be mistaken for something positive, but you should question it if the other person is accelerating the relationship. It's possible that they don't have bad intentions, but it could also be a manipulation tactic, aka “love bombing.” These situations tend to turn abusive and toxic. They're using that quickness and intensity to get you on board and gain your trust. They may act and say that they love you more than anyone else they have ever met. They will be charming and you may feel swept off your feet, but once you’re married, another side will start to show. A toxic side. Controlling Behavior A controlling partner doesn't trust you or the decisions you make. Be aware if your partner starts to limit your social interactions, setting restrictions on who you're allowed to see and when. Keeping you away from your friends and loved ones can be a safety concern and a blatant form of manipulation. Being Secretive Honesty and trust are the hallmarks of any healthy relationship. That said, if your partner keeps secrets from you or often beats around the bush, it may be a sign that they don't trust you enough to share what's really going on. Or, they may have dark secrets that you should know about, but they keep hidden. While some lies might not come off as too big of a deal, you should be wary if you feel like your partner frequently lies to you or doesn’t tell you the full story. Gaslighting Healthy conflict is one thing, twisting the truth is another. Gaslighting can be used by your partner to make you feel bad about yourself and hinder your self-esteem. If they’re doing things that make you feel insecure, that’s usually a red flag. If you notice your partner gaslighting you, address them and seek help. When you do not take heed to red flags, it can be disastrous. It’s important to take care of your full self physically, mentally, and emotionally. Both couples counseling and individual counseling can help you learn the tools you need to get through hard times.
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 Even during the best of times, the holidays can be exhausting and stressful. If you're facing the holidays after the death of a loved one, celebrating may be the furthest thing from your mind. In fact, you may wonder if you'll ever enjoy them again. However, by giving yourself permission to grieve, taking time for yourself and finding new ways to celebrate the holidays and the deceased, you can get through the holiday season.
The First Holiday After Loss Don't be surprised if you feel your grief more acutely during a holiday (no matter what holiday), even if holidays weren't a big deal for you and your loved one. Witnessing everyone else getting together with family for holidays can trigger feelings of loss that you may have done a good job of ignoring so far. But some emotions can't be suppressed for long. Don't force yourself to take part in holiday celebrations if you don't feel ready; there is nothing wrong with declining invitations to protect your mental health as long as you don't stay secluded forever. Christmas Christmas is one of the biggest holidays in the Western world and therefore difficult to escape from while mourning the loss of a loved one. It's particularly important during this time of the year to listen to your emotions; if being with other people seems weird or too stressful, politely decline invitations. Don't allow friends and family (who probably feel as if they're helping you) force you to attend holiday events if you know in your heart you can't handle it yet. On the other hand, don't automatically assume that Christmas is going to be awful without your loved one. Open your heart and allow yourself to enjoy the season, if it's a season that typically brings you joy. Hanukkah Since Hanukkah is centered around finding hope in desperate situations, participating in Hanukkah observance is completely appropriate for someone who is grieving. Those grieving during this time are typically encouraged to seek out help from those around them as part of Hanukkah tradition. Take advantage of the community around you during this time as they will likely be receptive - but if Hanukkah gatherings prove too emotionally painful to observe, or if you observe the traditional 12 months of mourning, participating may feel wrong. Holidays After the Loss of a Spouse For couples who have been together for decades, losing a spouse can be as heartbreaking as it is life-changing. They often lose their best friend and the person who they’ve made joint decisions with for a good portion of their lives. The Netflix revival of “The Gilmore Girls: A Year In the Life” addressed the shake-up that follows grief in the character of Emily Gilmore, a woman who lost her husband of 50 years just four months before the Christmas holiday. As the miniseries progressed, this side-plot followed the widowed Emily through arguments with her adult daughter, revising her husband’s headstone no less than four times, getting rid of half her belongings, battling depression, and ultimately, finding a new life after her husband’s death. The portrayal is a poignant one, given that in the U.S. alone, there are 13.5 million widowed persons and 11 million of them are women. And while many widows lose a spouse, they also tend to lose 75% of their support system — including family and friends — often through self-isolation. For widows who may have been grieving in solitude, the holidays can help them reconnect with their family and friends. Tips for Widows and Widowers During the Holiday Season: There is no absolute timeline for grief and moving on. Every person is different. Embrace holiday traditions to remember your spouse. Or create brand new ones if it may be too painful to resume “normal” family activities. Share stories about your spouse with family and friends. Yes, there is an empty place at the holiday table this year. But it was once occupied by a person who meant the world to you. The best way to honor his or her memory is to make sure younger generations of your family learn who they were. They may not be with you physically, but talking about them helps keep the memory of them alive. Holidays After the Loss of a Parent Whether you’re 18 or 48, the loss of a parent can make adult children feel lost and conflicted. You may be worried about your remaining parent and how he or she is coping with the loss of your spouse. You might throw yourself into projects to avoid facing your grief. And you may struggle with helping your own children deal with their feelings. If it’s your first Christmas after losing a loved one, that holiday without Mom or Dad after their death may heighten your holiday grief. But there are ways to connect to your family during the holidays and find solace — and even new meaning — after the death of a parent. Tips for Adult Children Coping with the Loss of a Parent During the Holidays: If your parents used to host family dinners at their house, now may be the time to step up and host them at your place. If you have a grieving parent who isn’t coping well, starting a new tradition with your house as “home base” for family holidays may be helpful for everyone. Enlist younger members of the family to help make the holiday dinner. This can bring multiple generations together in the kitchen and continue time-honored family traditions. It can also ease some of the burden on the adult child and their parent who may feel pressured to “put on a happy face” for the holidays and shoulder all of the responsibilities of holiday preparations. You may find yourself frustrated with your remaining parent, or even feeling sad yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and look to your own significant other, friends, or family for support and good cheer. Don’t ever feel guilty about enjoying the holidays, even when you’ve been faced with loss. Holidays After the Loss of a Grandparent Depending how young the littlest members of your family may be, they may not fully grasp the concept of death. While helping them understand why Grandma and Grandpa aren’t around anymore is a sensitive topic, children will certainly understand that their family members may be sad — even though it’s the holidays. Tips for Helping Children Deal with the Loss of a Grandparent During the Holidays: Give children the chance to talk about their feelings and what they remember and loved most about their grandparent. Younger members of the family may have vivid recollections of their grandparents and want to express themselves. The family may or may not want to go as a group to “visit” Grandma or Grandpa at the cemetery and pay their respects during the holidays. It’s really up to your discretion whether you feel it may be comforting or creepy for your child to come along with the rest of the family to the cemetery. You know your child or grandchild best and what he or she may take from the experience. They may actually be happy to be included with the rest of the family. Remember: Kids are still kids and it is the holiday season. Amid the bright holiday lights, new toys, they might not be grieving — nor should they be. While there is a time to remember loved ones, there is also a time to enjoy time with members of the family who are still here and make happy memories to last throughout their own lifetime. Coping with the loss of a loved one during the holidays can be difficult. However, the holidays bring family together and there can be a lot of comfort in that. Your family may have several wonderful traditions you may want to continue No Perfect Coping Mechanism There is no cookie-cutter, approved method in dealing with grief on holidays. The first year following a death is a particularly raw time and there is no clear-cut plan to follow. Listen to your feelings, allow yourself to feel your emotions, and if you find your grief overwhelming seek help from a mental health professional; it's not unheard of for some people to only visit therapists during specific holidays or anniversaries. Talking it out may help you cope. I am here to assist you with the tough times, not only in December, but other holidays that pass such as birthdays and anniversaries. Please contact me to schedule an appointment. I also host a widow’s group in Cumming, GA.  It should not be a big surprise that everyone gets stressed in life. We all go through difficult times and try to juggle too many things at once. You may find yourself begging for a break inside your head, but force yourself to push harder since it seems like you can’t find a break. We can’t escape stress in life. Just know you are not alone.
Here are 10 tools to help you reduce stress in your life and help you advocate for your own self care. 1. Know your signs. How do you show stress? Some people get angry. Others find it hard to focus or make decisions. Some people feel worried or sad. Sometimes, stress can lead to headache, upset stomach, or trouble sleeping. Different people show different signs. Your signs of stress may be different from someone else’s. 2. Look at the causes. What situations make you stressed? Your stress may be linked to your family, health or work. Keep in mind that stress is often caused by a change in your life—whether the change is good or bad. Marriage, divorce, parenting, losing a job, or even getting a promotion can all result in stress. 3. Build good coping skills. Think about how you deal with situations that cause you stress. Smoking, drinking alcohol, or eating too much may feel good at the time. But they can cause more harm in the long run. 4. Know when to say "no." Know your limits. Don’t take on more than you can handle. It’s okay to say “no” to something and you may even be empowered once you do it. The best part? You are putting self care first and taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health. 5. Plan ahead. Don’t let your to-do list get out of control. Think about your day and decide which tasks are most important. Do those first. Let other tasks drop to the end of your day, or even off your list. Everything is not top priority even if it feels like it. 6. Create time to relax. It’s not always easy, but it’s important to make time for you. Take a weekend getaway. Make time to read a good book. Listen to music. Or do something you enjoy. Some people find that practicing deep breathing can also help reduce stress. 7. Be active. Exercise can help lower stress. It can be as simple as taking a quick walk, a bike ride, or a trip to the gym. Aim to get about two and a half hours of exercise a week. But ease into it. And talk to your doctor before starting a new exercise program. 8. Watch what you eat. Eating good foods can also be good for stress. Healthy foods will help keep you energized and focused. Also, cut back on caffeine. You’ll feel more relaxed and will likely sleep better. 9. Talk to family and friends. Sometimes, just talking with supportive people helps lower stress. That’s true even if the stressful situation doesn’t change. Also, spend less time with people who only add to your stress. 10. Get help if you need it. If your stress is too much to handle, talk to a mental health professional. Stress can lead to serious health issues. A counselor can provide support and additional tools to reduce stress in your life. If you are a resident in Georgia or Indiana, I provide counseling services in a safe and private setting to help bring healing to you on an individual level. Please contact me today to schedule an appointment.  While some TV shows, films, books—and even some people’s Facebook profiles—would gladly have you believe otherwise, being truly satisfied with your life can be an immensely difficult thing to achieve. In turn, this makes meeting such a goal more pressure-filled than it should be. For this reason, many people resort to faking happiness to those around them. How can you tell if you’re doing the same thing? Here are 5 ways that may suggest you're not as happy as you pretend to be on the outside.
#1: Mood Swings Have Become Normal For You Do you easily switch between being joyful, lively, and excited to sadness, anger, or frustration? Experiencing mood swings doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re suffering from mental illness, such as bipolar disorder, but it may be helpful to notice whether this is a tendency for you. While being genuinely happy doesn’t mean you have to keep your mood up all the time (that's impossible anyway!), frequently going from one extreme to the other can be an indication that there are issues you may not be addressing properly. #2: You Are Tired All Of The Time It's normal to experience periods of stress when we feel more fatigued than usual. But if you’re tired all of the time, it can be a sign of a medical problem like diabetes or sleep apnea, psychological issues, or poor lifestyle choices. But things are far less clear-cut when speaking about mental health. For example, fatigue is a common symptom for those struggling with anxiety or depression. If you find yourself constantly insisting that you’re fine and cheerful but truly you're exhausted, it could be a sign of something more. #3: You Try Hard To Pretend Your Life is Great To Others When you act like you’re content with your life just to make those around you jealous, your "happiness" may be a façade. For example, if you spend more than half of your vacation taking and editing photos for your social media accounts instead of soaking in your new surroundings, you might be doing it primarily to show your peers how much "better" your life is than theirs. Or, to prove you are equally as happy as they showcase themselves to be. A recent study conducted at the University of Pittsburgh across 11 social media sites, including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube, discovered that heavy users of these sites are far more likely to be lonely and unhappy than lighter users. In fact, their chances increase by 3 times if they visit these networks more than 58 times per week. In the settings of most phones, you are able to see how much time you spend on your phone and how many times you log into certain apps. You may be very surprised! If your sole satisfaction in life comes from showing others how great life is and reading positive comments, you’re clearly missing the point. Promoting a false sense of superiority—or even equality—both online and offline is a clear indicator that you aren’t truly enjoying those seemingly “amazing” moments in your life. Also, remember that this is common, and the lives you see online also may be just a façade. #4: You Are Totally Isolated from Others It’s no secret that some individuals are more social than others. And there's nothing wrong with craving solo time. However, constantly making excuses to push people away can be a sign that you're faking your happiness and trying to avoid being called out on it. People in this situation usually lie to themselves and insist that they’re better off on their own. If you frequently find yourself going down this road and using this exact reasoning or variations on it, you might need to press the reset button and start over. That sounds hard, but it doesn’t have to be. Make an effort to make some new friends, or reconnect with those you've lost touch with. Studies even show that being socially isolated can damage our health in the long run. By challenging yourself to stay more connected to those around you, you can stop pretending to be happy, and start feeling genuinely satisfied instead. Putting yourself out there isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. #5: You're Abusing Alcohol or Other Substances Self-medicating behavioral patterns clearly indicate a deeper hidden issue. Coping with anxiety or other life issues through social drinking might imply the existence of a bigger problem. Sometimes, the people whom others see as the life of the party aren’t necessarily the happiest person in the room—in fact, they can be far from it. Research on this topic has uncovered that the onset of illicit drug use and alcohol consumption among teens is linked to a co-occurring mental illness and can even be a symptom of it. Therefore, if you’re prone to overdoing it during your Friday-night outings, you might not be truly enjoying yourself, but instead medicating a hidden hurt. Conclusion Faking happiness isn’t always a sign of mental illness, but it can be. The important thing is to evaluate your life and figure out exactly why you're pretending. Who are you doing it for? Is there a deeper issue behind it? On top of that, think about the 5 signs mentioned above. How many of them have you checked off, and to what extent? Coming up with viable answers to all of these questions is an important step in getting better. And if you feel like this is something you can’t handle yourself, don’t be afraid to reach out. The right person to help you can be anyone from a trusted friend or family member to a licensed therapist. I am here to help. A counseling theorist once said, “Problems never exist in a pure state; there is always a human being attached to them." My commitment as a counselor is not to some kind of particular problem/issue, but to the total human being who brings along complex emotional linkages to what they consider are distressing events encountered in their daily living.  One of the major problems with online self-diagnosis is that it may prevent you from seeking actual help from a mental health professional. For example, someone may read a few web pages and diagnose themselves with an anxiety disorder. They read that Xanax is used to treat anxiety and panic attacks; therefore, Xanax can solve their problems. Some people will even come up with stories (ie: fear of flying) in order to “trick” their primary care doctors to prescribe it to them.
The fact is, many mental health conditions are not black and white. Only a professional knows what medication could safely help your unique case. Sometimes, medication is not needed at all and a therapist can assist you. The correct tool for mental illness is not always medication, but in certain circumstances, medication is advised. For a proper evaluation for medication, you will need to seek the expertise of a psychiatrist. Given the complexity in many diagnoses along with misinformation on the internet, someone can simply look up a few keywords and think they have a mental health diagnosis that may not be accurate. When someone clicks link after link about symptoms related to mental health it can quickly spiral into a vast array of either first-person experiences, or unreliable sources, which can lead to more confusion. It’s important to remember that what is on the internet is not always written by a credible mental health professional or even a doctor. Each person is unique in their diagnosis. You should not be diagnosing yourselves, or even worse, treating yourselves when you are not 100% sure what is actually going on. Mental health conditions need professional attention, whether it’s in the form of therapy, medication, or both. Also, you should never try to buy psychiatric medication on the street or online — the only safe way to get medication is through a pharmacy. You may even become overly frightened by what you read or, conversely, not seek help if you read something that says there is nothing to worry about. Googling Symptoms Can Create Hypochondriacs While hypochondriacs (people with health anxiety who often believe that they have something seriously wrong with them) are most likely to be Googling their symptoms, their mental health is probably most at risk when searching for symptoms and self-diagnosing. All this Googling can cause your thoughts to spiral into catastrophic thinking, worst case scenarios, and a vicious cycle of anxiety. Once you’re in the cycle, it can really be hard to stop. Even though you might originally find it soothing to look into your symptoms and find “answers,” it can backfire and make you more scared — maybe unnecessarily. Remember that many mental health and physical health conditions have overlapping symptoms. And as mentioned earlier, mental health conditions especially are not black and white. Reading about symptoms that are more general than specific can easily lead someone to believe they have a particular mental health condition. With the overwhelming amount of information available at our fingertips for someone who struggles with hypochondria or health anxiety to google something they are thinking or feeling physically or emotionally will likely overwhelm them with concerns about diagnoses they do not actually have while increasing their overall anxiety. So, if you think you might have a mental health condition based on your online research, make an appointment with your general practitioner or a mental health professional to be thoroughly assessed. How to Stop the Behavior While it’s hard to break the habit, and you might not even want to break the habit, it’s not healthy to continue. The longer you look for health answers online, the harder it’ll be to break the cycle later. Use a Distraction Another technique to keep you from self-diagnosing is distraction. When you feel like searching up symptoms on Google, distract yourself by doing something else — going for a run, calling up a friend, watching some funny videos, whatever will get you out of your head. Additionally, you may want to look at your behavior and dig a little deeper into your psyche. On a practical level, I would suggest asking yourself questions about what else you might be worried about. You may be manifesting that anxiety by Googling symptoms. Talk to a Professional If you’re having trouble limiting or stopping the behavior, you should strongly consider speaking with a mental health professional. Being able to openly discuss your concerns and fears with a therapist in a safe setting with reliable information can greatly decrease health anxiety and hypochondria symptoms. When these thoughts and feelings are spiraling around in your head it can be overwhelming, but when shared in a safe space with a therapist they can be sorted out together. You don’t have to feel ashamed if you’re prone to Googling symptoms and self-diagnosing. Many people do it. You aren’t alone. However, we must realize that although the situation is common, it’s not healthy. Diagnosing ourselves (and others) can be dangerous. If you think you might be suffering from a mental health condition, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional for a real diagnosis so you can get on the right path to feeling better immediately. Getting Help If you are a resident in Georgia or Indiana, I provide counseling services in a safe and private setting to help bring healing to you on an individual level. Please contact me today to schedule an appointment.  The loss of a spouse is absolutely devastating and requires one of the biggest life adjustments you’ll ever have to make. Many therapists agree that this great loss and new identity can take at least three years to adjust to, and often much longer.
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AuthorDORICE NEIR Archives
June 2025
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